SILENCED AND SUPPRESSED

On her wedding night, a girl gets raped by a goon in her bedroom. Her fiancé tries to be her saviour, stating heroically that he still intends to marry her, stigma and all. The girl, shockingly, refuses, crying out desperately that the only way she will get her ‘chastity’ back is by marrying her rapist. Suicide is the only other alternative.As a child growing up in the 90s, I saw countless such Hindi and Bangla movies with the same plot of a girl being raped and the rapist being “pardoned” for his crime when he agrees to marry the victim. When I revisited some of these movies as an adult, I couldn’t understand how my parents didn’t object to the message so blatantly depicted in these films. I couldn’t understand why viewers accepted this twisted logic quietly, without raising as much as an eyebrow to express any kind of discontent. Even now, when rape victims are finally given a voice, when this issue is finally being seriously addressed, these movies still find a spot on TV channels; they still have viewers watching them. This, for me, shows how we as a population perpetrate rape culture. It shows how we are a part of this culture; an unwilling, silent, reluctant part, perhaps, but a part nevertheless. Rape culture is one in which sexual violence is common, accepted, normalised, tolerated, or even pardoned. Is rape common in Bangladesh? So much so that many feel only indifference when they hear or read about an incident. Is it accepted? We probably would not be having this discussion if it weren’t. Is it normalised? Rape jokes are common, we even hear songs glorifying violence against women, so that’s another yes. Is rape tolerated and pardoned? As cases time and again have proven, society is more willing to put the blame on the victim for “inciting” sexual violence upon her than the perpetrator, whose perverted act is condoned because he is a man with “natural urges.” So, does Bangladesh have a rape culture?A United Nations survey report has revealed nearly a quarter of men surveyed in the Asia-Pacific region say they’ve raped a woman at least once in their life. The study was based on anonymous interviews with more than 10,000 men aged 18 to 49 years from Bangladesh, China, Cambodia, Indonesia, Sri Lanka and Papua New Guinea. Of those men who said they had committed rape, around 45 percent said they had raped more than one woman. Moreover, almost three quarters of those who admitted rape said they did not experience any legal consequences.The numbers are alarming but are they truly shocking? In a culture that punishes a 14-year old rape victim by sentencing her to 101 whip lashes for engaging in an “affair” with a married man, can we truly say that we didn’t see this coming? Teenagers, ten-year olds, five year olds, even two year olds are brutally raped, and we still talk about women ‘asking for it’, as if a person would intentionally request to be sexually, physically and emotionally battered and humiliated.Society normalises rape by humiliation and sanctioning violence against women in the name of social norms, says human rights activist and Executive Director of Ain O Salish Kendra (ASK) Sultana Kamal. “Family and the society are places where indoctrination and socialization of patriarchal values nurturing principles of male hegemony over women – which motivates both men and women to accept it as natural – takes place. The socialization process ensures men’s control and disciplining power over women’s body, mobility and labour,” says Kamal.The UN survey also discovered that nearly three quarters of the respondents thought they were entitled to force sex on a woman because they “wanted her” or “wanted to have sex.” Unsurprisingly, 38 percent said that they raped a woman to “punish her.” In a society that lets rapists go with barely a slap on the wrist, rape becomes a way to establish men’s masculinity, their “right” over women.We have a culture of playing down violence against women, says M Imdadul Haque, Professor of Sociology at the University of Dhaka. “Usually, when you hear of such incidents, the general reaction is not outrage but rather a feeling of empathy towards the rapist. Men will be men, how else will they behave, the girl should have been more careful; these are some of the things you hear when rape is reported,” he says.Ours is undeniably a patriarchal society, which means that men feel that they have a power over women that they are not frightened to exercise. And why should they? Along with a culture of rape, we have a culture of impunity where rapists are rarely brought to book. It’s the girl who is blamed, the girl who is held responsible for tarnishing her family’s honour and thus, it’s the girl who is ostracised and punished for life.How frightening might it be for a woman who has been brutally battered by a man to spend the rest of her life with him? And yet, many village shalish (rural bodies responsible for dispute resolutions) and family of rape victims believe marriage to her rapist to be the best way to help the girl get rid of the stigma, and prevent the man from going behind bars. Here again lies a concern for the rapist rather than the victim. The complete lack of consideration for the rape victim is evident; her feelings are discounted, the violence she had to suffer is laughed off.Instead of boosting her confidence, we contribute in killing it entirely, ensuring that the culture of rape continues unchallenged.

Predictably, we don’t have any law criminalising marital rape. Society doesn’t merely let marital rape go unpunished. By turning a blind eye to it, by pretending it doesn’t happen, by tacitly encouraging, even forcing victims to stay with their rapists, and shaming those who manage to break away from the sexual violence, society is actively complicit in this heinous act every time it happens. “The main reason why we haven’t been able to pass a law against marital rape is the general perception that it doesn’t exist,” says Kamal. “It is socially accepted that the wife will have to give sexual allowance to her husband even if she doesn’t want to.”Alarmingly, of those who admitted to forcing someone to having sex with them, half were teenagers, and 12 percent were younger than 15 years old. These youngsters, not even old enough to comprehend their actions, learn from the examples set by their adults. Forcing sex is considered to be an act of bravado by our patriarchal society, and thus, knowingly or unknowingly, we let our youngsters become a part of this monstrous culture.“Sex is still considered a taboo in our closed society, and healthy discussions about this subject are discouraged in most households. This leads to an unhealthy curiosity amongst teenagers who are already at a vulnerable age. They see the changes in their bodies, feelings and emotions but there is no one they can talk to about these things. Some of them channel their energy in the wrong direction, unaware of the devastating consequences of their actions, as they don’t even think that they are doing wrong,” says Kamal.It is just not enough to bring rapists to justice if we are unwilling to address the problems that form the core of rape culture. The problem lies in our misguided notion of masculinity and eagerness to blame the victims. The problem lies in our view of women as lesser beings, as mere objects. The problem lies in the tendency of shaming women based on what they wear, how they walk, how they interact with others. And we need to acknowledge these problems.We need to teach our boys that catcalling on the streets is NOT okay. We need to teach them that women are NOT their property and their bodies and minds are NOT to be subjugated or dominated. We need to tell our boys NOT to rape instead of telling our girls to not get raped. We must stop implying, even casually, that a woman may be “asking for it,” that her body or her character or her personality might make her deserving of sexual violence. We need to do all that because rape is not just an act of sexual violence, it is an act of dominion, an act that denies a woman her personhood.